Days 5 & 6: "A Different Person"

It's been a great week so far in terms of the workout program. Things are going great in the gym with Ronn, who pulled me aside after our last session Tuesday night and said, "I'm really proud of you, Ken. It's almost like I'm training a different person than I was last week. You come in and you get right to work, and the changes are very noticeable."

This was, of course, good to hear. God knows I struggled with my fears about working out and "not measuring up" for so long, there were times when I was certain I would never be able to overcome them. But in just a week's time, after only four workouts and one day of hiking in Runyon Canyon, I felt suddenly confident and energized by my newfound commitment to improving my health, body and life.

Monday's workout was by far one of the best we've had so far. It consisted mostly of cardio work and some light resistance work. The night got off to an OK start. Ronn put me on the scale and I was just a little bummed to see that I'd not lost any weight since starting the program a week ago, but Ronn immediately put me at ease by saying, "That doesn't mean you haven't lost weight. If you've put on muscle from working out, that weighs twice as much as fat, so it would balance out what you've lost." OK. I guess I can deal with that.

Then it was upstairs to stretch me out (gotta say, this is still my least favorite part of my time at the gym; Ronn really knows how to "go deep" with those stretches), and then Ronn put me on the floor and had me do several different sets of crunches. Then he had me do 25 jumping jacks, walk backwards like a crab, do several squat-thrusts, and hold my stomach in real tight while he dropped a heavy ball onto my abdomen. That was a little weird, but he said it was a good exercise. I'm not arguing. During the squat thrusts, Ronn became excited. "Your energy is way up tonight," he said. "Who is this guy?"

Downstairs we did some work on a few of the weight machines. He had me lift myself up with one leg onto one of the workout benches, an exercise that is apparently really good for my butt. This is a pretty strenuous task, but I managed to eek out 15 on each leg. Ronn kept shaking his head with a smile on his face. "Do you notice that you have more strength than you did just last week?" he asked. I really hadn't given it much thought until then, but it hit me that I wasn't tiring as quickly as I had just several days before. After the workout, I did 10 minutes on the stair machine and 20 minutes on the treadmill at a 5.0 incline, and then called it a night.

On my way home, I swung by Target to pick up another pair of workout pants, and saw a bunch of other clothes that I liked. I went into the dressing room and tried them on, and for the first time in a very long time, I didn't have the same sense of digust when I saw my body in the mirror. Even though there wasn't all that much different about it at all, I began to envision how I was going to look very soon, and I saw my body in a whole new light. I felt good, sexy even, trying on those new clothes. I ended up rewarding myself by buying all of them. When I got home, there was a text message from Ronn. "Tonight was your best session yet," it said. I had to smile.

Tuesday night was another great session. I started with 30 minutes of cardio work on the treadmill and stair machine. Ronn came over toward the end and had me increase the speed on the stair machine and take every other step. This was pretty intense, and I tired quickly, so he switched back and forth between faster and slower speeds so that I did several "sets" of taking every other step. Back upstairs we went for more stretching (ouch! ouch!), and then back downstairs to put me to work on weights. There was a lot of dumbbell work to be done. Mostly Ronn focused this session on my my arms and shoulders, and I surpised myself with the amount of weight I could lift as he increased the amount with each set. In between sets of reps on the machines, Ronn would have me do more jumping jacks or stomach crunches. I like his style of mixing things up. I never get bored of doing the same things over and over; there's always a new exercise to learn or try, so that keeps me interested, which is good.

I had to attend a film screening tonight, so Ronn and I didn't work out together, and in the middle of the day I suddenly realized that I was a little bummed about it. This was a bit surprising to me. Me? Wanting to be at the gym? Wanting to do physical labor? Unheard of. But it's true. I missed working out tonight, and I'm looking forward to getting back in there tomorrow and seeing what else I'm capable of doing. Onward and upward, as they say!

(Pics by Kevin Cazares)

Reflections of the First Week

So, I've made it through my first week of training, and you know what, it's not so bad.

It's funny, but I thought that I would be dreading going to the gym every night, and be all sluggish about getting there. But it's quite the opposite for me. I actually find myself kind of looking forward to getting there and seeing what Ronn has in store for me. True, those last two workouts with him were pretty ferocious, and I was in some serious pain for a couple days last week, but it honestly feels good to challenge myself in this way. It's a brand new high for me.

It's great to walk into the gym and actually feel like I belong there. I always thought of athletics as the world of the "other people"--the hotter, prettier people, those who just coasted through life with blessed genes and could easily maintain six-pack abs and great biceps and then wield them to their advantage. (Please, I can't tell you how many little gym rats walk through West Hollywood in their tiny wife-beater tanks and their designer sweat pants as if they're entitled to all the best that life has to offer just because they have great bodies and good skin. And anyone who's been to WeHo knows exactly what I'm talking about.) But when I walk into Train, I feel as if it's part of my world as well. I'm not an outsider anymore.

I feel a little more energized and a little more invigorated now that I've got something physically demanding going on in my life. Going to the gym is giving me a strange sense of "purpose"... or rather, a goal. Something to strive for. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, and that makes me feel good.

I'm surprised how closely I'm sticking to the regimen as well. Today, for instance, I planned to go to Train and spend 30 mins on the treadmill, but when I got there, they were closed. (I got my days confused; they are open later on Saturdays!) For a brief instant, I thought, "Well, guess that means I won't be working out today." But immediately I stopped myself, called my neighbor and said "Let's take your dog and go hiking in Runyon Canyon." And boy, did that hike kick my ass! But in a good way. (My neighbor, on the other hand, is in some serious pain from her back. And she was the one who was just tearing up that hill while I was panting like her little Terrier.)

The diet's not too bad, even if it is a little repetitive. But there are ways to mix it up, so I just have to get a little more creative. And I will. Yesterday was my "cheat day" (I've chosen Saturdays as mine), but instead of chowing down on a Big Mac or something, I just treated myself to an extra breakfast smoothie instead. I must be crazy: Who else cheats by eating more healthy foods?)

Anyway, my legs are killing me from that hike, but I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym tomorrow night with Ronn and hitting the weights again. Ronn's going to weigh me to see how much weight I've lost so far (here's hoping it's a good number), so that should be interesting. Hope you'll check back to see what kind of progress I'm making.

Day Four: Redemption Day

So last night was yet another really good workout, and also a much more productive and encouraging one than the one from Wednesday night, when I wasn't able to complete a few of the exercises. In fact, I think last night's was the best workout yet. And yeah, I'm feeling it pretty hard today.

Since I skipped cardio on Wednesday (Ronn said that I'd done enough to burn calories through the leg workouts and could afford to skip it for the night), Ronn started me out on the stair-climbing machine again. He put me on for five minutes and talked to me about my diet and cooking habits. I told him about the perfect omelette I'd made for dinner the night before (and on my first try, too!), and he again encouraged me to try making the turkey dish he'd put on my diet plan. I made a mental note to make it that night.

Then it was upstairs for the stretching part. "I'm going to go even deeper with the stretches tonight, so I'm going to have you lie on the floor this time instead of the table," Ronn said. And yeah, he was right; those stretches were pretty intense. He really went to town on my calves and legs. I figured out pretty quickly we were going to be focusing on legs again.

Of course, that was only after we did several different sets of ab routines. Ronn had me do some standard stomach crunches, then introduced me to a few variations that--thankfully--didn't involve fully sitting up. And even though my abs were still store from the previous three nights, I did pretty well on all of the exercises. After that, Ronn had me do several sets of walking leg lunches, where I followed him across the floor. He had me do three "laps" (back and forth across the length of the floor three times), and I followed each one with a set of 25 jumping jacks. Boy, was that taxing!

I told Ronn about my little emotional outburst the previous night, and he had a huge smile on his face. "That is so awesome that you told me that," he said. "That is a pretty common occurrence for people who are working out. I've had some clients break into a cry right in the middle of a session before. It's great for releasing tension." (Well, that's good to know at least.) "It was really big of you to tell me that, and I'm glad you felt open enough to do so," Ronn added.

Then it was downstairs to put me to work on some of the machines again, this time working out my chest and arms again. And it seemed to go really well. When I was on one of the chest-flexing machines, Ronn increased the weight from 30 to 50, and finally 80, pounds, and I surprised myself by being able to complete each set of 10 reps. "You're a strong boy tonight," Ronn said at one point during the routine. "Considering last night's workout--how much I worked you and the stuff you didn't complete--this is great. I'm really proud of you."

After all that (we probably worked on about 6-8 different machines), Ronn put me back on the treadmill for 30 mins at the 3.5 speed and told me I should increase my incline from 2.0 to 3.0 after 5 minutes, and then again to 5.0 after 15 minutes. It was a good time for me to actually look around the gym a little bit and pay attention to the people. I noticed all different types, from your frumpy middle-aged men and post-pregnant women to your standard gym rats and body builders, and also noticed a few cute guys working out around me. Still, no one's cuter than Rich, the tall redhead who works the front desk. He reminds me of the Kris Kringle character from the old Rankin & Bass claymation Christmas special Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, which was always a favorite show of mine as a kid. At one point, Rich walks through the gym putting weights back in their place and tidying up, and I notice for the first time the results of his own workout regimen. Damn, nice chest and ass. I bet his boyfriend is one happy man.

After my workout, I went on home and made Ronn's "famous" turkey dish--a kind of "ghoulash" involving ground meat, oregano, basil, pepper and tomatoes that is pretty tasty and filling. Ronn said I could eat 1/4 cup of brown rice if I wanted to, so I added it to the mixture along with some green peppers for texture, and it was pretty good. Still, it could've used a little bit of soy sauce for added flavor. LOL!

Since I met Ronn earlier than usual last night, it was good to get home at a decent hour and still have some time to watch a bit of TV before bed. So I caught up on recent episodes of Heroes and Studio 60 on Sunset Blvd. before I made my way to bed. I was a little wired from the workout (and more probably from the Ripped Force I drank throughout), so I couldn't sleep at first. So I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother and drank some hot tea, and I was out before you know it. And yes, today I can barely walk, but it's all good.

I'm off tonight (Friday), and just have to do 30 minutes on the treadmill tomorrow, but I'll post some additional thoughts and things I'm learning over the weekend. Catch you soon!

(Pics by Kevin Cazares)

Day Three: Health is Hell!

I HATE MY TRAINER!

OK, so that's not totally true, but right now my body is aching in places I didn't even know I had muscles, and Ronn is the only person I can pinpoint for the pain. (Smile.) My biceps are killing me, my abs are screaming out in agony, and my upper legs are sore as can be. And all for what? So I can look good? Hell, maybe I'd rather be fat. I'm kidding, of course. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and I knew that there was some pain involved. It's just too bad that the pain can't be contained to the pain I feel when I'm at the gym. Why do I gotta carry it home with me?

OK, that's enough of the whining. I know it's all temporary anyway. Ronn says that I'll look back on this in a week or two when the soreness stops coming and laugh. Well, maybe so, but I'm not laughing now. Nor was I last night when I got home from my third and most intense workout yet. Last night was all about legs, which are usually the easiest for me to work out, but also the one area of my body that makes me feel the most worn out after I've worked them.

Anyway, I got to the gym a little late last night (damn that L.A. traffic), so Ronn took me right upstairs to stretch me out. He went even deeper with the stretches than he had before, which was not very pleasant at all. Funny, I don't remember stretching before gym class in school to be that painful. Ouch!

Then Ronn put me to work on one of those big balls that have become so popular in gyms now. He had me do some "sit-ups" or crunches or something to that effect while on the ball, then he had me lay down and put the ball between my feet and hoist it into the air and twist it back and forth with my legs. As I soon found out, this looked a lot easier when Ronn was demonstrating it. Anyway, Ronn then stood over me facing the other direction while I was lying down and had me lift my feet to his hands. He gave my feet a swift push and told me to resist letting them fall to the floor. This is a pretty intense ab workout, in case you haven't tried it yet. It's notone of my favorites. Usually it's not a problem for me to put my legs up in the air (mmm-kay?), but last night, I was only able to get my feet back up to his hands maybe three out of the 10 times he wanted me to do it. Still, I fought to get them back up. "That's good," Ronn said. "I like that you don't give up. Every time you fail, you get a lot out of it, so just keep trying to get your legs back up in the air."

After that, Ronn tried to get me to balance myself on this half-ball thing that you're supposed to stand on. Fat chance for me. I have terrible coordination and balancing skills, and though I was able to stand and support myself, I couldn't complete a single one of the squat exercises that Ronn wanted me to do. Every time I tried to squat down, I would lose my balance and fall off the damned thing. Ronn says we're going to make this one of our goals. Gee, I'm thrilled.

Downstairs, Ronn put me to work on several more machines, including one where I had to support a barbell on my shoulders and do leg squats that killed my ass and upper legs. Ouch, sweetie, ouch! As we did more and more exercises on different machines, I began to realize that my legs maybe weren't as developed as I'd thought they were, but Ronn did comment a few times that I had strong legs, so I guess maybe I do. They just don't look as good as they used to when I was younger. Oh well.

All in all, it was a pretty good workout, though a very taxing one. Ronn ended it with another sit-up ab routine, and again, I failed to complete just one rep. "That's another goal," he said. "In two weeks, you're going to be able to do five of those."

"Whatever you say, master," I replied. God knows I would certainly prefer not to feel like such a wuss, but my abs are sore from two nights of working out already, and every other muscle in my body is now aching as well, especially my biceps, which are killing me. So my body just seems to be saying, "Sorry, but no can do."

Still, I feel good from the workout. I feel like I'm accomplishing something. It's also affecting me emotionally as well. I'm not sure what triggered it, but as soon as I pulled into my parking space at my apartment complex last night, I just started crying. Not like tears-streaming-down-my-face-in-fits-of-sobs crying, but an odd combination of crying and laughing that just washed over me and that I couldn't stop. It was like that moment when Robert de Niro breaks down in Analyze This. There were no tears, but it was this intense release of emotion that suddenly came pouring out of me. It only lasted about 30 seconds, but afterwards, I felt refreshed, like I'd just relieved myself of a lot of pent-up stress or something. I'm not sure if that's normal or not, but it was so weird and so natural all at the same time that I found it to be rather refreshing.

And, of course, today I'm even more sore, and this time I'm feeling it everywhere. I'm not sure what Ronn has planned for me tonight, but I sure hope he doesn't want to work on my biceps again! OUCH!

(Pics by Kevin Cazares)

Day Two: Feeling the Burn

Well, so much for an extended honeymoon period for me and Ronn. LOL!

Last night he worked me hard, and I'm feeling it today, that's for sure.

First, I swung by Capitol Drugs in West Hollywood and picking up a big container of Ispure protein powder (in delicious Creamy Vanilla!), a case of Ripped Force energy drink (which Ronn says I should drink prior to working out) and a case of Isopure water (to be consumed following a workout). One of the very attractive employees--an adorable 20-something blond boy by the name of Tori--came up to me and asked if I needed any help, then said, "Are you on MySpace?" Turns out he'd seen me on there and remembered my eyes. "I remember liking your pictures," he said with a criminally adorable smile. After I dropped $118(!!!) on my purchases, I made it to Train just after 6:30, got changed and jumped onto the treadmill.

Ronn finished up with another client and came over to join me, and asked me how I was doing. "I'm a little sore, but OK," I replied.

"Good," he said. "'Cause you're about to get really sore."

Great.

Ronn talks to me while I spend 21 minutes on the treadmill, after which my shirt is already damp with perspiration. "I like to see that wetness there," Ronn says. "That's good." He then takes me upstairs to stretch me again. This time, I respond more favorably to his stretching, though, since Ronn has said he's going to be a little more aggressive with me, the calve stretches even MORE painful than they were the night before. "This is good for you," Ronn tells me. "You want this to hurt." Thankfully, I grit my teeth and resist the urge to grab his hair and yank it hard and then say, "That was good for you, too." The other stretches are more enjoyable (Can I just say that I love when he grabs my legs and hoists them into the air without sounding like a power bottom?), and it's easier to relax when it doesn't feel like my legs are being pulled out of my sockets.

Then it's back downstairs for some work on the abdominal machines. Surprisingly, I don't do so bad on them. At least not as bad as I expected I wouldIt helps that Ronn is to me and keeping me focused during the rests between sets. When Ronn asks me to give him 10 crunches, I do so easily. "That's it, Ken!" he exclaims. "Those were excellent. Lightyears beyond what you did last night."

We then proceed to spend the rest of the session working out my biceps and triceps. He makes me do several sets of curls with 12-pound dumbbells, and sets me to work on several machines that focus on arms. (Eventually, I even hope to start learning the names of some of these machines. LOL!) Through it all, Ronn remains a driving force in my success. "That's my boy," he coos at one point, "Let's do it, daddy" at another. (Strange how similar his training technique is to the way I talk when I'm in bed with someone, but I digress...)

Since I showed up earlier than the night before, the session is longer than the previous night's, and, while Ronn has upped the ante considerably, I'm able to pull off all of the reps with only a little bit of struggle during certain ones. "You're going to hate me Thursday morning," he says, referring to the soreness he predicts I will feel when I wake up in two days. Lovely.

We finish the night out with five minutes "climbing stairs" on a step machine that had to have been invented by a true sadist, but I just breathe deeply and grit my teeth again and try to smile. Afterwards, I feel spent, but in a good way. On my way home from the gym, I swing by Whole Foods and Ralph's to pick up the rest of my groceries ($69 worth), then make my way home to relax with my kitty Masha and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls while eating my chicken breast dinner. This time I put a little bit of Honey Hickory mustard (no sodium, no fat, and only 2 grams of sugar! Yippee!) on the chicken, and it's perfect. Then I drew a warm bath, lit a soothing soy candle and relaxed in the tub for a good 20 minutes before bed. I promptly passed right out.

Today I'm pretty sore, but it's a good sore. Looking forward to another productive session tonight! My buddy Kevin will be swinging by to snap a bunch of pics so I can post those on the blog, so keep checking back to read--and see--how I'm coming along!

Day One: The First Workout

So, last night it happened: I had my very first workout session with my trainer, Ronn Burns. Verdict: It rocked!

It all started promisingly enough. I arrived at Train West Hollywood a little early, so I was able to change out of my work clothes and into shorts and a T-shirt and still be on time to meet Ronn in the gym. Changing in the locker room was a little odd. There was a guy sitting next to me on the bench changing for his workout, as well, and I felt like I was back in high school gym class again, not wanting to take off my shirt until he'd already left the room. Of course, even then, three other guys--all body-beautiful studs with amazing arms and chests--came sauntering into the locker room, so I pulled my workout shirt over my head pretty quickly and got out of there. LOL! Hopefully one of these days soon, I'll get over that.

Then it was in to the gym to meet Ronn, who first took me upstairs into his "private office" (aka the men's room) to get my measurements. I wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off, so I lifted it up instead, and he did my measurements. I have a 40-inch waist! A 40-FRICKIN'-INCH waist!!! Oh, my God! (NOTE: In my defense, I can still fit into a pair of 34-inch jeans, thank you very much!). Here are all my measurements:

Waist/belly: 40
Chest: 40
Bicep: 12 1/4
Weight: 169.2

After that humiliating experience was over ("Don't look at my belly!"), Ronn took me down to the treadmill and I walked in place for 30 minutes while Ronn went over my new "diet" with me. (Oops, not a diet; it's a "lifestyle change.") It's not too bad, actually. Well, except for my late-night snack/dessert being sugar-free Jell-O. We might have to work on that one! (I'm not much of a Jell-O fan. It's made with horse hooves. Ick!) Otherwise, the new menu consists of stuff like chicken breast (expected), veggies (ditto), fruits (more ditto) and lots of water (duh!). But there are a few nice surprises: I can still eat flour tortillas--the non-fat ones, of course, and brown rice is also allowed. I live for brown rice, so I was happy about that. Snacks consist of either an apple, a balance bar, a baked potato or 3 no-salt rice cakes. OK, so Doritos are out of the question, but I figured that would be the case. LOL!

"Don't worry: I'm going to give you back your Asian food eventually," Ronn tells me as we go over the menu. (He knows me so well already.) "And you're also going to have a cheat day, but your cheat day has to be the same day that you drink alcohol on, and you have to make sure it's always the same day. But for these first six days, you really have to stick to this menu."

After the treadmill, Ronn takes me upstairs to stretch me out. It's pretty intense. "This is the only part of the workout where you get to lie down and relax," he says. "Enjoy it." Fat chance. There was one stretching exercise that was rather interesting, involving something akin to the, um, "missionary position," (but my fondness for this particular stretch has to do with reasons other than health ones, haha), but who knew my hamstrings were so damned tight, or that, when Ronn stretched them out, I would want to howl out in agony. Still, I make it through the stretching and get a head rush when I stand up.

Ronn then tells me to lie down on a mat on the floor and give him 15 stomach crunches. Eeek! Crunches are the worst for me. I have no back strength to speak of, and sitting up from a lying-down position is always a challenge for me. Still, I manage to get through 15 reps, though I do have a lot of trouble giving Ronn just 5 sit-ups. "Ab workouts are my biggest challenge," I tell him, feeling the need to explain myself. "Don't worry," he reassures me. "You'll get there."

Then it's back downstairs to work out my upper body. Ronn wants to focus on my arms, chest and back, so he puts me on several machines that serve to strengthen those areas. He starts me at 35 pounds for the first 15 reps, then increases the weight to 50 for the second set. He compliments me on my form at several points ("You're probably the only person I've trained who actually got right into the correct position without me having to tell you how to do it first," he says when I get onto one machine), and then, after putting his hand on my chest while I'm doing a series of reps on said contraption, he adds, "I can tell you already that your chest is going to be the easiest thing to build up. You have a lot of muscle in there already that you don't know about, and it's going to be quick to add muscle mass there. Your arms are going to be your biggest challenge, even more so than your middle section." Interesting: Already I'm feeling a little more confident. (Ronn has a reason to be as well: Several times throughout our session, other trainers and clients jokingly ask him for his autograph. Guess they've all seen the Frontiers cover. "Get used to it," I tell him. "You're a star now.")

It takes me a little longer to master a variation on a bench press that Ronn shows me in which I have to arch my back by bringing my legs back toward the bench, but after Ronn spots me and then shows me how to do it himself, I finally get it. Each time, Ronn seems enthused. "You're doing great, Ken," he tells me. "It's going well." Good to hear... "In no time we'll have you ripped and plucked and tanned in time for Gay Pride." Ronn must notice my raised eyebrows, since he laughs and says, "I'm kidding, of course." Whew...

I'm surprised to find that I'm rather enjoying the workout, and especially having Ronn tell me that I'm doing the reps correctly. He comments on my form at several points, though the more reps I do with more weight added, the less stellar my form becomes. Haha. ("All in good time, my pretties, all in good time...") I'm also surprised that before I know it, Ronn is telling me the workout is over, though he asks if I would stick around for an extra 15 minutes to do some more treadmill work. "Sure," I reply, not quite ready to end the workout. Ronn leaves me with a few Isopure drinks to try out, and I finish up the workout with 15 minutes on the treadmill. Since my adrenaline is going, I up the speed from 2.5 to 3.0, then eventually to 3.5 for the remainder of the walk. Then, just for a nice "sprint to the finish," I increase the speed and finish my walk at 4.0, which is a nice little capper. When I get off the treadmill, though, boy does everything a little weird. As I walk through the gym, it feels like I'm moving on a conveyer belt and everybody is rushing right by me. Weeeird...

Then it's off to the locker room to get my stuff after I purchase a pair of workout pants (only $22.50--half off!), and then off to Trader Joe's so I can do some shopping, then finally home so I can make my first healthy dinner. Ronn gave me three options for each meal, so I opt for the chicken breast one, and grill it on my George Foreman. And, oddly enough, it's one of the best chicken breasts I've ever had. I don't know if that's because it's organic and I cooked it really well, or just because the excitement over working out and eating healthy is adding to its flavor. Oh well. I'm not gonna argue. I just savor it and smile as I watch an episode of 30 Rock and pat myself on the back for a job well done.

Not a bad first day at all, huh? :)

I'm feeling just a wee bit sore this morning. Lifting my arms in the shower was a bit interesting, and there is some tenderness to my abs, but otherwise, I feel good. I ate my healthy little breakfast and lunch, and am looking forward to another great workout tonight. Catch you all tomorrow!

Today's the Day!

Yup, folks. Today's the day. Tonight I meet up with Ronn at Train West Hollywood and get started on "the rest of my life." I'll be on my way to a porn star bod in no time! LOL!

Luckily, my tummy troubles from last night have subsided--I'm pretty sure it was those damned leftovers that made me get sick. I'm sure nerves had something to do with it, too. I mean, after all, I am about to enter a whole new world for me. A world where men size each other up and scrutinize the size of each other's arms, chests, and whatever else they seem to worship in gyms. Yikes. Thank God I'll have my trainer there to figuratively "hold my hand" and get me through it. Right?

At any rate, thought I'd post a few more "BEFORE" shots of me so that you all have a clearer sense of what I look like now. This way you'll notice the change more as the weeks and months go by. I sure hope that you guys are as excited about this as I am. I'm really hoping that my efforts inspire others to face down their own fears and do something really positive and healthy for themselves.

This is going to be great!

(Pics by Kevin Cazares)

The Night Before

So it's the night before I am to start my new health and fitness regimen, and I'm a little nervous about it. In fact, I can't figure out if the tummy troubles I'm having right now are because of nerves caused by my "gym phobia" or from that leftover chicken and rice dish that my cater-waitor neighbor Art brought up to me. It's all so stressful! :)

Since the whole thing's not starting until tomorrow, my trainer, Ronn Burns, told me that I should enjoy myself while I still could. So I went out and had "one last hurrah" and essentially ate all the foods that I love but won't be eating for at least the next three months. That's right. I enjoyed a hearty plate of pad thai noodles from the Thai restaurant down the street, and also feasted on a turkey burger and onion rings from Fatburger after being in the bars last night. And don't even get me started on alcohol. I guess I've just had my last Rum and Coke for a while. I'm sure going to miss those foods. They're comfort foods. Stuff that makes me feel good. Sadly, those foods don't make me look any better, and seriously, there's nothing sexy about being a man who looks like he's got a bun in the oven. I'm not pregnant, OK!?

When I decided to pitch this story to Frontiers magazine as a six-month health and fitness project, I knew I’d have to find a way to keep myself motivated throughout the entire period. Because I’m the type of person who excels when working with others, I knew that hooking up with a personal trainer would be the best route for me. And when I met Ronn Burns, who’d been referred to Frontiers by a friend, I knew instantly that I’d found the right guy for the job—and not just because his eyes got big upon his first look at me and he said, “I have to tell you that, honestly, I was expecting someone out of shape.” (Damn, he’s good.) Sure, he’s charming and sexy and all that (why do you think Frontiers featured him on the cover of the new issue instead of me?), but he also speaks about fitness in no-nonsense terms that I can grasp, and he instantly understood where I was coming from in terms of my fears and insecurities. So when he started laying out his plan for whipping me into shape, I let him take the lead.

He asked me all sorts of questions about my diet (mostly chicken, tofu and veggies, but peppered with far too many snacks and deliveries from Asian eateries), my exercise habits (apart from the occasional hike in Runyon Canyon and the aborted attempts at working out at home, virtually none), and my overall goals. I told him that I wanted to drop some weight from my tummy and firm and tone my upper body. "I'm looking for a naturally athletic look," I told him. "I don't want to look like a muscle-head. I just want to have a more defined and toned look." Eventually, he came up with a plan:

* Four days of weight resistance training and cardio, with one additional day of just cardio.

* Heavy emphasis on abdominals during weight training.

* A balanced diet on a time schedule.

* A resistance regimen catered to my inexperience.

Perhaps because he sensed my growing apprehension, Ronn was quick to add, “Ken, I promise you’re going to enjoy working out with me. Right now, you’re, like, ‘Five days a week?’ But you’re going to like it. It’s really important that you not get distracted. You can go in there and pick up a 30-pound weight and feel like a weakling, but nobody in that gym is monitoring what you’re lifting. It’s all in your head.

“Our biggest fear in life is fear of the unknown,” he continues, his practicality and his gentleness comforting my growing concerns. “Everybody had to drive into the pool for the first time at some point. And once all of that unknown is gone, the gym is a great place to meet people and feel good about yourself.” Consider me convinced. See you at the gym.

(Pic by Kevin Cazares)

Gym Phobia and Me: The Path to My 'Physical Therapy'

Contrary to popular belief, all gay men do not have memberships to their local gym. Even more shocking, many gay men do not work out at all. I know what you’re thinking: Horrifying, isn’t it? With the gay community’s seemingly endless obsession with all things gorgeous and muscular—as reflected in everything from magazine covers to billboard ads for anything from shaving cream to orthopedic wear—one might surmise that we are all hulking hunks of ripped, sinewy mass. But, as hard as it may be to grasp, there is indeed a rather large percentage of us that don’t frequent the local Gold’s. I am one of those guys.

I don’t know my way around a Bow-Flex; I don’t keep a lifetime supply of Creatine in my kitchen cabinet; and, truth be told, my idea of a personal trainer is a hot older man who stands over me in a jockstrap while I bench press half my weight and barks, “You want some of this, boy? Then pump that iron!” Now that’s what I call incentive!

I’d like to tell you that I have some kind of medical condition that prevents me from lifting too much of anything heavy on a regular basis (alas, not true), or that I’m allergic to the smell of sweat (um, quite the contrary!)—or even that I’m so hot that I don’t need to work out (hey, I’m allowed to dream!), but the truth is actually much simpler. I have gym phobia.

As an awkwardly scrawny teenager struggling with my budding sexuality, I was name-called, picked on, and pushed into just about every locker and wall you could find in junior high and high school. And while the other boys were becoming model examples of American masculinity, I was reverting further and further into myself, shutting myself off from contact with my peers and social activities. And gym class was the worst. Getting undressed in front of the other boys was like pure torture, and I feared that I didn’t measure up to their rapidly developing bodies. I froze when it came to sports and athletics (the territory of “the normal boys”), fearing that I would be taunted for my lack of athletic prowess. As a result, I was always picked last for everything from softball to hockey, and the experience of being humiliated over and over again during my fumbled attempts to be like the other boys left me scarred and traumatized.

Now that I’m a grown man who’s been out as gay for nearly two decades, you’d think I’d have dealt with these issues along the way, and to a point, I had. That is, until I moved to Los Angeles, where I suddenly found myself drowning in the middle of a sea of perfect-bodied gay men whose penchant (or, rather, their obsession) for staying fit—and their insistence that anyone who might want to “get to know them better” be in comparable shape—sent me right back to square one in terms of my self-esteem. Looking in the mirror after a shower became a depressing experience, while taking my clothes off in front of anyone became an exercise in complete and utter humiliation. When I look in the mirror, I’m not happy with what I see. When I’m in bed with a guy and he reaches down to squeeze my bicep, I jerk away. It’s just not cool.

People tell me that I’m imagining things. They say, “Ken, you’re not in that bad of shape.” And I suppose it’s true. I’m not 300 pounds overweight, and I have what some might refer to as an “average” body. But in this town, if you don’t have a big chest, arms and a six-pack stomach, you’re out of shape. I feel like I’m invisible, and it’s not a good feeling. I frequently get passed over for bigger, more muscular men—men who evidently fulfill this community’s frustratingly prevalent penchant for shallowness and body fascism. It must be said: Gay men are some of the most cruel and heartless that there are when it comes to seeking out sexual gratification. One only needs to visit a sex club or spend a little amount of time on a hookup site like Manhunt (where profiles frequently read: “Looking for muscular/fit men only. I take care of my body; so should you”) to see this in action. Put a bunch of so-called “VGL” muscle jocks together in a gym, where they have free reign to obsess over their own bodies and ogle those of others, and it becomes a “hot only zone” where anyone who doesn’t look like them simply doesn’t belong.

So what’s an insecure guy like me supposed to do? Well, for the past 36 years, not much of anything. I’ve stayed out of the gym for fear of not measuring up to the other guys. I’ve avoided taking my shirt off at pool parties and beaches. I’ve had sex in places where all the clothes can’t come off so I can avoid being seen naked. But all that is about to change. Because I, Ken Knox, self-professed “wimp” and hater of all things athletic, has gone and done “the L.A. thing” and gotten myself a personal trainer who’s going to whip my lazy ass into shape.

Why has it taken me so damned long, you ask? Well, apart from the reasons stated above, I just didn’t want to buy into the community’s obsession with beauty and muscles. I don’t think the only hot guys are the ones who look like they stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, and I don’t want to become the kind of person who does. If I work out, aren’t I then compromising my integrity and “selling out” so that I, too, can be just like all the pretty people?

Perhaps. I would, of course, be lying if I said part of the reason why I’m doing this wasn’t because my already fragile ego could use a bit of a confidence boost. It would be nice to occasionally be found desirable by the men I find attractive. But I can honestly say that the bigger truth at play here is the fact that I simply want to be in better shape—not so that I can get laid or feel "hot," but simply so that I can feel more energetic, look healthier and feel like I’ve done something truly special for myself. In other words, this is not for anyone else but myself.

I know that I owe it to myself to change the things about myself that I don’t like. After all, when it comes right down to it, I am my own worst enemy, and there’s really no one out there telling me that I can’t achieve something except myself. I spent so many years of my life telling myself that what those kids in high school said about me wasn’t true, but now it seems that, by giving in to the sickening little voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, I’m really just letting those kids win after all. And that is not something I’m about to do.

I’m not sure how any of this will change me. People tell me that I’ll act differently, that I’ll become just another hot guy in Los Angeles who only sleeps with men who look just like him. Doubtful. I know myself pretty well at this point, and I think I can safely say that I won’t become the kind of guy who rips his shirt off the moment he walks into a club so everyone can gawk at the results of his gym regimen. And I certainly hope that I don’t turn into one of those narcissistic gym bunnies who stands around in bars bragging about how much he can bench press. But it will be interesting nonetheless to see where all of this takes me.

And so I’m inviting you all along on my journey. I’m about to embark on one of the scariest adventures of my life. I’m going to journey into the kingdom of Gymdom and face down the proverbial dragons of my youth. Will I slay them and walk away the winner? Only time will tell. But I have a feeling that at the end of the next six months, I will walk away from this experience a much better, more confident person.

In other words, Yay me!

(Pics by Kevin Cazares)

Welcome to 'KenGetsFit'!!!

Howdy, folks! Thanx for checking out my "physical therapy" blog. This is where I'll be keeping a regular record of my progress working out with personal trainer Ronn Burns, who's about to kick my ass for six months straight at Train West Hollywood, a private gym in good ol' WeHo.

This life change has been a long time coming for me. It's something I've been meaning to do for quite a while, but my own silly insecurities and issues from my high school days kept getting in the way of me taking control of my life--and my body--and doing something good and healthy for myself. But with the new year came a revitalized vision of the life that I want for myself, so I've decided that there is no time like the present to build that life for myself. Yay me!

The project will begin on Monday, January 22, when I'll have my first session with Ronn. Considering the shape I'm in right now, that should be a pretty interesting experience--not to mention a pretty interesting blog post. Posts will be made several times a week (or as often as possible, whichever comes first), and some will even include pictures! (Come on; you know you want to see me sweat.)

In the next day or so, I'll be posting a more explanatory entry to get you all caught up with my way of thinking and where I'm coming from as I set off on this new and exciting journey in my overall health and confidence.

I hope you will follow me in this journey. It will be great to have you come along and learn and grow with me.

All the best,
Ken